The Good Thief Dilemma: Overview
A Memoir, A Meditation, and an Investigation tHROUGH the mysteries of spiritual abuse
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Cover art from Dismas The Good Thief, by Herbert R. Clark, (my priest and step-father) published in 1971 by Thomas Nelson Publishers Inc.
… If a True Mass is being celebrated in the chancel, a Black Mass is being celebrated in the crypt. It becomes evident, accordingly, that the psychotherapist is the true successor to the exorcist. His business is not to pronounce the forgiveness of sins, but to cast out devils. ~ Donald Fairbairn, The Repression and Return of Bad Objects
After my mother's death in 2015 I found myself possessed, obsessed with a central psychological and spiritual dilemma, a core injury, an unfolding trauma from my family of origin, a mystery that transformed the course of my entire childhood, my family, that formed and malformed my notions of faith and worship, that shaped my vocation, and my understanding of notions good and evil, as they live in the heart of every human being.
In 1972, my family started attending the local Episcopalian church, under the care of a newly installed, and avowedly compelling and charismatic priest. There was no indication that this gesture would lead to the full-scale destruction of my family-through a labyrinth of lies, theft, seduction, sociopathy, personal and institutional abuse, as well as physical, spiritual, and psychological danger.
This writing is a work of memory and imagination, of investigation and amateur detective work, of theological and psychological theory, of dreams, synchronicity, and bald conjecture, of encounters with death, grief, and illness, of coming to terms with the unknowable, the incomprehensible and the unforgivable.
It is also a work of life-long integration, healing, and acceptance.
Most of this text was written between 2016-2019 while I was on intensive chemotherapy for a unique cancer in my central nervous system. I have picked this project up and put it down many times: Sometimes because I thought continuing to work on it might kill me, and sometimes because I thought I might die if I let it remain incomplete, unresolved, and unreleased.
I've decided that it is time for me to wrap this up, and let this writing find its way in the world, and to see if it may find anyone to whom it may be useful or meaningful.
How things will work around here:
My goal is to post - at this site behind the paywall - one chapter a month from the writings I completed several years ago, and one “reverie” discussion some of my current thoughts and reflections on the work, and what it brings up for me currently.
The text in its entirety is book length, under 100,000 so words, and I am still shaping some of the later chapters. After posting the final chapter I plan to make the text available as an eBook for those who have joined me here, or for those who want to purchase it at the end of the project.
If you have been a close follower of my blog and essays, you may recognize texts that have relied on excerpts from this piece.
They include:
I’m not pursuing traditional publishing for this writing. I just don’t want to, and that is probably reason enough.
I didn’t write it for profit, or for acclaim. I wrote it because I had to, to obey an internal mandate only, and for no other reason. I don’t need anyone to read it other than whoever may happen to find it or find themselves though it. I have no plans on going out and “selling” this work beyond occasionally letting others know that it exists. You are welcome to let others know that it exists if you find it a compelling or relevant resource.
It is not deeply crafted writing. I have not involved an outside editor. Again, my goal here wasn’t to “write a book” or to make art. I am merely turning shit into Shinola as my extended farm family would say. It will certainly have its share of copy errors, and typos as everything I share does due to my perceptual disabilities and human frailties.
I am sharing it this way anyway.
This text will be paywalled, because this has been extraordinary labor, on every level, and I don't want to splatter my guts online for free. There is a one-time fee of fifteen dollars which will allow ongoing access to the project in full.
The chapter/posts will not be open to comments. If you want to say something positive or critical, or you feel the desire to share something personal about your response to it with me, you are welcome to do so through my contact page.
You may purchase access to this content at any time, and you will have access to any chapters that have already been shared, and any that are yet to be posted, or you are welcome to wait until it is finished and purchase a downloadable eBook all at once.
This also serves as a content warning as this text is a frank exploration of varied forms and manifestations of abuse, sociopathy and moral injury.
I also ask that everyone respect the copyrighted nature of this content,
and not share anything behind the paywall other than to excerpt it or recommend it.
If you would like to cite anything I have written, ask and I will likely give permission.
If you have any questions about the technicalities of this undertaking, do let me know.
And if you feel led to enter this space and join me in this process, welcome.
If you are already a subscriber - click here to access the full table of contents.
a memoir, a meditation and an investigation through the mysteries of spiritual abuse
